Contagion
by sunburntdaisy
Summary: Mark may have a hole in his head but in this case Susan’s the one with the tumor. Season 8 AU
1. de ja vu

Another What If…?

What if Susan got sick instead of mark? What if, when she returned to county, she was in remission, the scar was on her head (but her hair grew back… don't you worry) and a recurrence was a reasonable fear?

Meanwhile Mark is waltzing around, being barked at by Elizabeth and screamed at by his lovely daughters (although Ella is more forgivable)… Elizabeth and Mark deteriorate much faster because the lack of life threatening illnesses means she starts taking him for granted much faster. And he doesn't need her as much. And we all know how much women need to be needed…

Susan, shocked by possibility of mortality and motivated by sudden possibility of life, realises what's really important lives in Chicago, breaks some poor shmucks heart in Arizona, packs up and shows up a day's train ride later in Illinois, ready to face her fears… instead finds Mr meek and mild with a baby on his hip.

I've dealt with Rachel in other stories so using my handy-dandy artistic licence she's returned to Jenn… after one brilliantly emmy-worthy cat fight with her wicked step mother (who I really do love, when she's not with mark, or more specifically when she IS with Romano, or soon will be…) and a de-ja-vu-scarlett-ohara vase throwing session…

Hehe

What do you think? I mean, I know any Marsan fans are smacking their lips right now and considering sending me a Christmas card. Ooh, how cool would that be? Getting a Christmas card from another country, from ER fans… hmm…

I might even write the Rachel vs. Elizabeth scene if I get enough persuasion… na, why bother, marsan mush is so much more scrumptious!

And for those of you that are wondering, I have got another chapter (at least) of Orange Juice in the pipeline. It's a very busy time of year and now that they're together I don't feel so guilty for leaving it for a few days without an update. Maybe I should break them up again, that'd get me writing…

Let me know what you think – with regards to both stories…

Merry Christmas

Amy


	2. we're away

She caught his eye through the glass and his breath caught in his throat. In a moment the ER disappeared, the last five years with it, it was only them, it was a dream, but everything came back, her scent, the warm touch, that familiar embrace and not so familiar kiss.

"The pericardium is terse with blood." Elizabeth pulled him out of his bliss.

He nodded to Susan who was pointing toward admittance, and tried desperately to focus on the mess at his fingertips.

When she returned he'd given up on the patient but Elizabeth demanded they keep going, and once again, he gave in. he said he'd be back in a moment and stepped outside to apologise to Susan for the hold up.

She smiled and told him he looked great and that she'd catch up later – after an interview at northwestern. She was clearly happy to see him but she walked away and waved, taking that breathtaking smile with her and he was reminded again that he never wanted her to walk away again.

"Forget it." Elizabeth brushed past him.

Mark exhaled, watching his wife walk away for a moment before his eyes found Susan's retreating figure again. He wasn't sure why he still thought of Elizabeth as his wife – technically she was, but she certainly wasn't his, and for the first time in a long time his heart was grateful for the fact. His head knew they were a disaster waiting to happen but his lonely heart couldn't be convinced. His lonely heart had just left with that stunning smile, and a promise that she'd have it back for him in only a few short hours. He couldn't remember how he'd survived five years without her. If he could help it he wouldn't do so again.

Susan sat down with her coffee and sandwich, sharing her appalling interview with Mark and watching him laugh with delight.

"Give up the search and come back here. We're always short."

"Oh, now that's appealing."

"I thought distance made the heart grow fonder."

"Then I haven't been away long enough."

"No, you've definitely been away too long."

She had to smile at that. "So, what have I missed?"

"Oh, you know, med students, poverty, bounce backs, and that's just the staff."

She laughed.

He was hypnotized. She was stunning. At first it was her smile. But it all flooded back too quickly. She'd knocked him off his feet. Again.

"What else – what about you? Girlfriends, more kids, where's Rachel now?"

He grinned, "Rachel's with Jenn. Most of the time. And I am… separated."

"You got married again?" she stopped grinning, sat forward in her seat, her concern clear in her expression.

Mark nodded, "Yeah, and my daughter Ella is near on a year old."

Susan's eyes were wide. "What happened?" she didn't really think before she asked.

Mark shrugged, "Oh, you know…"

She shook her head. "We just, well it's a terrible cliché but we fell out of love I guess."

"Honeymoon period?"

Mark nodded, "Yeah, I guess. Elizabeth, well of course it wasn't just her fault, but I wanted to keep working at it." he toyed with his empty orange juice glass, "Maybe she was right after all."

"About what?"

"Oh, just that you shouldn't settle for something mediocre but strive for the extraordinary."

Susan nodded, "I'd agree with that."

"Yeah, I dunno." He shrugged, "Something extraordinary can't be extraordinary all the time. You have to struggle through the mediocre to find something truly extraordinary. Falling in love isn't that rare – it's the staying in love through thick and thin that's truly extraordinary."

Susan nodded, a little surprised. "What have you been reading?"

Mark laughed, "Kerry's book list on management and the ER."

"Well that explains it then." Susan grinned. "No wonder you've had so much time to think."

Mark shook his head, forcing himself to stop laughing so hard in public. "So how about you? Boyfriends? Charming but illegitimate children?"

Susan laughed and shook her head, "No, I've been too busy."

"I thought you were going to a private hospital."

"Yeah, I did. And then they suggested a transfer to an inner city trauma centre."

"You missed this?"

"Believe it or not. So I was there for a couple of years and then I got offered ER chief and did that for six months or so before…" she remembered the one key thing she hadn't told him. She'd rehearsed a few possible ways to drop a brain tumor into casual conversation and this had not been one of them but come to think of it none of them were anything fantastic.

"Before?" he tried to catch her eyes, which had dropped to her hands as she hesitated.

She took a deep breath and looked up. "Um… I got sick, I had to take some time off."

Mark immediately looked concerned, "Oh. Was it anything serious?"

"Well, I'm in remission now so I'm okay, but…"

"Cancer?" he couldn't hide the shock in his voice.

"Um," she pushed her hair behind her ear, "Well,"

"Mark we need you." Chuny stuck her head in the cafeteria door with a smile toward Susan.

"Yeah, I'll be right there." he nodded and Chuny and stood up. "Later?"

Susan stood up beside him and nodded, "and don't worry about me k? I'm fine now. Really."

Mark nodded and pulled her into a quick embrace. "I finish at seven." He backed away toward the doorway Chuny had just vacated.

"I'll be here." Susan nodded and watched him go then sat back down.


	3. setting the record straight

Susan had fallen asleep, her head in her arms across some trashy magazine. Mark sat down beside her with a tired sigh. Major traumas had a habit of showing up at the most opportune moments, like five minutes before the end of a shift when an old friend is waiting for you in the cafeteria. Four hours later Mark figured another ten minutes wouldn't hurt and took a shower before he changed to go meet her.

He sat up straight and reached his hand out to touch hers, hoping to wake her without startling her. It worked. She rubbed her face, sitting up, "Hey."

Mark smiled, "Sorry."

"Oh, I'm fine, these tables are more comfortable than I remember. So what was it?" she fiddled with her hair, hoping she hadn't committed too many crimes against fashion while she slept.

"Ambulance versus a school bus."

"Ouch."

Mark nodded, "So, you wanna get out of here?"

She nodded and stood up. "When did your shift start?"

He looked at his watch and moaned.

Susan just laughed. "If you're too tired we don't have to do this now. I'm back for good so no hurry."

Mark smiled, "No, I'm fine, I just didn't realise the time. Where are you staying?"

"Oh, just two blocks away."

"Does the hotel have a restaurant?"

Susan nodded. "And a very good steak fillet."

Mark's eyes widened, "Oh, man, that sounds perfect."

The stepped out into the night and fell into a comfortable silence. There was so much to be said but for now it was enough just to be together after so long apart.

* * *

"So…" Mark wasn't sure how to broach the subject but decided he had to because Susan wouldn't, "how long have you been in remission?"

She smiled and lifted her wine glass to her lips, taking her time, "a couple of months."

He was clearly waiting for more and she figured she should get it out now, get it over with.

With a deep breath she began, "I started getting chronic headaches about a year ago and um… well I took painkillers, as you do, and just kept going, but it got pretty obvious to colleagues and stuff." This wasn't easy. Another deep breath. "My boss, well he was a real good guy you know, and genuinely concerned but I wouldn't be convinced to get properly checked out until one day, I was at the wrong end of a double shift and I tripped up and managed to knock myself out. So Greg insisted on doing a full examination and they found a growth in insert medical terminology for part of the brain that I cannot be bothered looking up"

Mark was leaning across the table toward her, looking truly shell shocked.

She smiled at him, "Relax, I'm okay."

He didn't look convinced.

"Really," she took his hand.

"So chemo worked?" he held her hand firmly.

Susan nodded. "As far as they can tell I'm in the clear and free to return to work and all that jazz."

"Oh. So did you not want to go back to your job in Phoenix cause they all knew about the cancer or something?"

Susan took a deep breath. "Um, well, not really. They were pretty good about it and Greg was really understanding without treating me like I was so fragile I'd break."

"Oh." Mark chose not to speak and risk sounding jealous.

"I think I just – I mean I had some good friends but, um… I guess I just realised that I might not live forever and there were a few things that I didn't want to miss – if I did get sick again…" she couldn't find the courage to meet his eyes, not knowing if he'd understood, not knowing if she was ready for him to get it.

"Well I'm glad you're back – though I wish it didn't take this to bring you home." He obviously didn't get it. But he squeezed her hand and blinked hard, trying to hold onto her eyes and keep his emotions in check.

"I missed you." She took a deep breath.

"You should have called."

Susan just looked sad.

"Though I guess I made that difficult – the way I said goodbye."

She was surprised he'd brought that up, meeting his eyes suddenly, then shaking her head when she saw the vulnerability she found there.

"No, that's not why I didn't call."

"It's why I didn't call." Mark admitted, surprising himself at how far they'd got in the short time they'd seen eachother.

"I thought it might be. And I guess it was for me at first but… I really missed you. I guess I didn't know how just talking would satisfy that," she was getting a bit choked up but she had to be honest with him. He'd thrown himself on the line for her those years ago and it was her turn. She needed to set the record straight. "You know, back then, I really…" deep breath, "I really loved you." She didn't want to stop there but her mind went blank.

"Oh." He sounded surprised.

"Yeah." She smiled. Time to change the subject. "Seems like a lifetime ago doesn't it? So when do I get to meet Ella?"


	4. maybe, just maybe

He'd given her the grand tour and left her with Carter when a trauma came in. "It's your first day, take it easy."

She rolled her eyes and turned back to a chart.

"You okay?" Elizabeth's noticeable voice was easily overheard across the ER.

"Yeah."

"What's the ETA?"

"Anytime now." Mark singsonged.

"Whats the use in answering a 911 page when the 911 haven't even arrived yet?"

"Just so that we can have these chats." Mark stepped toward the doors as the ambulance pulled up. Susan had to smile while she eavesdropped.

"You're actually grinning." Elizabeth commented

"It's a beautiful morning." Mark said as the ambulance doors opened and some poor wretch came into the ER just to disagree with him.

* * *

"You off?" Mark asked across the admit desk.

Susan nodded. "You?"

He looked at his watch, "Not long now."

"Cause if you're free I could rope you into helping me unpack." She grinned.

Mark just laughed.

Carter backed out of a nearby examination room swearing, "he bit me!"

"Unpacking doesn't sound so bad afterall."

"Well compared to this… probably not the best way to judge things."

"How much have you got left to do?"

"Oh… most of it."

"So pizza would help – since your kitchen's in boxes."

"It's true." Susan nodded. "but I was joking around. You don't have to. You must be exhausted."

"No, I'm used to it. Plus many hands make light work. Or something."

She laughed and backed away, "I'll see you soon. No anchovies."

"Oh come on! It's not a pizza without them." He watched her turn away laughing.

They were back. He'd never thoughtthey could have what they'd had before she left. He'd always assumed he'd lost that in the vacuum that followed her departing train five years ago. But she was back and more beautiful than ever – and more importantly, he had her back – as much as he'd ever had her. He couldn't really miss the stuff he'd wanted but never had.However, the way he'd missed her friendship was more than he ever expected. That connection was a rare thing. He was determined never to let it go again. And maybe… no, he couldn't risk it. plus things were barely buried between him and Elizabeth. No hurry. Susan had loved him all those years ago. If he gave it time then maybe… just maybe.


	5. by the book

"Hello?" Mark called through the crowded doorway.

Susan swivelled around on the floor. "Hey, come in."

"I'm trying." He laughed balancing the pizza in one hand, holding a paper bag in the other, as he climbed around the boxes.

Susan smiled up at him from her seat on the ground, surrounded by books and journals and tax returns from the mid nineties. "My hero."

"Good thing I know you're talking about the pizza, I might get the wrong idea." He grinned. "Where should I put it?"

"wherever you can find a space."

"Why was the door open?" he balanced the box across two stacks of books

"Oh, the delivery company found the headboard they lost and when they dropped it off," she opened the pizza box as she spoke, "I told them to leave it by the door, hoping you weren't kidding when you offered to help – cause I'll need you to help me carry it into my bedroom. Only, they left it jammed up against the door, pinning it open."

"Why didn't you just let them put it in your room?"

"This mess is embarrassing." She pulled a slice out of the box and took the napkin mark offered as a plate.

"You invited me right in." he took his own slice.

"It's too late to make a good impression on you." She laughed.

* * *

"You got it?" Mark asked, unable to see her for the impressive ornate headboard he was carrying one end of.

"I think so." She lifted her end, pushing him back as she found her balance.

"Woah. Okay," he stepped back slowly

He backed through into her room, avoiding boxes and the contents of that which was scattered across the floor. Susan just went ahead and stood on anything in her path. When her hands slipped they put it down and picked it up again. It was in it's rightful place a minute later and Susan rubbed her hands together and collapsed back on her bed.

"This is gonna take hours."

Mark sat beside her, a little tentatively, "Oh, could be worse."

"Really? How?" she turned to face him.

"Well, you could be without my expertise," he stood up, "Or, what else would be worse, the whole building could burn down."

She laughed, "But then I'd get insurance."

"And new Medical books."

"You'd spend insurance money on medical books?" she looked incredulous, getting up to follow him back into the living room. It looked like a storm had been through it.

"I kinda hope not. That's quite sad really isn't it?"

"So you're married to your job, join the club." She sat down amongst her boxes.

He sat on an empty wooden crate and went back to putting her sorted piles on the rightful shelves as per her directions.

"Not particularly healthy for real marriages though – I'm thinkin."

Susan laughed, "No. Probably not."

"Is that why you never got married?" he asked before he could stop himself and kept his attention on shelving to avoid her eyes.

"Not intentionally. I just… well at least with work it's in your hands. You know? If it all goes to custard then it's either my fault or it isn't. Most of the time it's pretty much that simple. But relationships are another whole kettle of fish."

"It's true. So-and-so said so-and-so and you did this and she did this and he did… nothing simple about it."

Susan nodded. Mark had stopped working and was looking quite sad – the really scary kind of resignation-sad. The kind that's stopped looking for anything else.

"Or maybe I just never had the guts to through myself fully into a relationship – it's too… vulnerable. I've never trusted anyone that much I guess."

"Maybe you're just wise though – I mean I put my heart and everything on the line both times I got married and it wasn't enough."

"Well they were both fools to let you go without a helluva lot of fight."

"Oh, plenty of fight, that was half the problem."

"That's not the kind of fight I meant." Susan smiled, knowing he was deliberately misunderstanding her.

"So…" he turned back to the books, "Where do you want this one?"


	6. morning fee

Susan woke up with the sun pouring through her windows-yet-to-get-curtains. Knowing the packing was almost finished she smiled and stretched and yawned, luxuriously sinking into the pillows under her head. She was awake, just like that, and eager to get up and enjoy her newly-arranged apartment.

Wrapping her robe around her she stepped into the living room. Mark was still sleeping on the sofa. He pulled up the haphazardly strewn blanket while he slept but it failed to cover him, most of it bundled on the floor.

Susan smiled and crossed the room. She pulled up the blanket then considered making coffee. Then he could wake up to that near-divine scent.

But her cupboards were bare, and her fridge only held a pizza box, two slices left, probably fated to become dinner at some point, hopefully not in the too distant future, if at all. So she showered and washed her hair, wrapping the robe around her, the towel over her head and returned to her room to find some less-wrinkled clothes, hoping she wouldn't need to utilize her recently-discovered (under the entire works of jane austen… how'd they end up in the same box?) iron. She'd ironed enough for several lifetimes thanks to several summer jobs. One of the top perks of a doctor's salary was most definitely the luxury of a drycleaner. Unfortunately her freshly dry cleaned clothes had been through quite and ordeal since she'd packed them – or you'd think so to look at them.

A clingy crinkle sating shirt fit the bill – it was meant to be creased! – and a well-worn woolen skirt that swung around her knees as she went for a glass of water. She didn't really want to wake him but, forced to silence by his sleep, her morning burst of energy was quietly maddening.

Tap water bounced out of her glass, spattering all over the bench top and her shirt. She laughed and swallowed the lot in one breath. She listened for movement in the almost-tidy lounge behind her. She forced herself not to look, opening the window, then wiping down the bench and the windowsills… she was about to start on that pizza when Mark appeared at the kitchen door.

"Morning." He smiled, sleepy, his throat clammy.

"Morning." She grinned. "Did it murder your back?"

"What? Oh, the couch, no it's fine. A step up from the staff lounge."

"High standards I see. You want breakfast?"

he rubbed his face and yawned, "Yeah, what's the time?"

"eight. Oh, are you working today?"

he shook his head. "You?"

"Tonight. Breakfast's on me. You're fee for helping me unpack."

"You really don't need to…"

"I insist. It's a huge load off – trust me. You can even pick where. I'm sure the best eats in Chicago have changed in the past five years. Well, at least I hope so."

Mark grinned, "don't hold your breath. I'll just use your bathroom."

"Go for it." she followed him out of the kitchen and tidied the lounge. She couldn't stand still. Maybe it was the relief of getting the packing finished. Moving was always a bit of a beast. Or maybe it was the company. She never thought they could fall back into what they used to be quite so simply. But they had. And she couldn't be happier.

Well that wasn't entirely correct. She couldn't have hoped for more but there was one thing that might make her happier. That might erase all her regret. Almost all of her realizations, from staring death in the face, were in her power to fix. Her relationship with Mark… well, it takes two to tango. And anything more than a tango might be more than he was willing to give. Fresh from divorce court the timing was hardly perfect but then they'd never been great on that score. She'd always wished he'd timed his confession just a few days or weeks earlier – she might have never left. But she couldn't blame him for that one. She didn't even want to. She could happily take the responsibility for that but she only wished it were in her power to remedy the situation.

He exited the bathroom, eyes wide and tired. His collar was tidied and open at top, drawing too much of her attention to the rough skin of his unshaved jaw line. "There's a nice place down by the pier."

"Lead the way." She opened the door and followed him out.


	7. back to business

Mark pulled himself up off the narrow gurney. Exam four was far from top of his list of ideal places to sleep. But it happens. Shifts happen. Double shifts happen. Chuny had come in at least twice insisting he move his ass with speed. There wasn't a whole lot of speed going on but he was moving and, considering he'd had three hours of sleep in the last fourty eight hours, moving at all was pretty impressive.

"Mark!" Chuny pushed the door into his face as he reached it.

He swore and rubbed his nose but she just hurried him.

"I'd ask where the fire is but there's a possibility that would be in bad taste." He jogged after her.

"Close but no cigar – gas leak at a nursing home."

"Oh man." He gowned up en route and followed a gurney into trauma three.

Susan was bouncing between trauma one and two – instructing residents with her usual level of competence. Mark had number three under control in minutes and went to help her just as the others had both gotten stable and she was sighing in relief.

"Now onto the minors?" she asked.

"Medical's on their way?"

Susan nodded.

But before the trauma rooms could be cleared more ambulances arrived and with them a whole parade of elderly people in various states of disrepair.

* * *

Two hours later the ER was virtually empty – only one elderly patient, one of Susan's, who they should never have revived but the DNR arrived half an hour too late.

Susan had her twenty-something-th cup of coffee and went to wait with her last patient. It could go either way at this point. The patient was doing well- surprising everyone considering the information accompanying theDNR informed them on n-stage lung cancer and a host of other problems that made any kind of recovery unlikely. But she was beating the oddsand they hoped to get her off the vent in another hour or so.

Mark came and sat beside Susan. He looked wide awake but completely exhausted at the same time.

She smiled at him in the dim room.

"Can we take her off yet?"

Susan shook her head. "You can go get some rest if you like. I've got this."

"I've had so much coffee it'll be days before I sleep again."

"I dunno – mass trauma's metabolize six cups of coffee an hour. I'm sure I read that somewhere."

"Woman's magazine." He checked the chart. She whacked him in the chest playfully.

The patient started triggering the vent. Mark and Susan were up in a flash – working like clockwork. The patient was extubated in moments and hoarsly asking her whereabouts.

Susan answered her questions while Mark did the chart.

"Be right back." He headed for admits.

The patient wasn't too pleased about being in a hospital.

"Because of the gasleak we were unable to locate your paperwork – including the DNR."

"I should have died." She rasped resignedly.

Susan wasn't sure what to say. So she bluffed, "Well according to your paper work you should have never come off that vent – and yet here you are."

"I shouldn't have gone on the vent at all."

"You could get better – the body has miraculous ways of…"

"I have n-stage lung cancer."

There was nothing else to say. "Is there anyone I can call?" She stood up, reminding herself for the billionth time not to get too involved.

"No." the old woman turned her head away and Susan exited the room.

"She alright?" Mark looked up from the desk as she approached.

Susan shrugged. "I hate cases like this."

"There's not light side to wanting to die."

She shook her head in agreement.

It was too late to admit her to medical. Mark headed back to exam four to catch as much sleep as possible before the next rush. Susan perched at the bedside of her last patient – wondering again why she put herself through this. If she was trying to prove that she wasn't ripped up by it then she was failing miserably.

She fell asleep in that horrible chair only to be woken by quiet sobbing andstruggling breathing.

"Do you want something morefor the pain?" she bent over the patient.

"I need my Harvey." The woman struggled to even whisper between rough shallow breaths and sobs.

"What's his surname?" susan asked but it was pretty clear that without a vent Harvey would never get here in time.

"Sharp." The woman struggled, "Harvey Sharp. I have to see him."

The machine began to beep urgently and a couple of nurses ran in. Susan sent one away immediately to find Harvey Sharp.

"She has a DNR." She told the other before they began.

"I don't want to die." The old woman barely articulated.

Susan froze for a moment.

"Do you want me to put you on a ventilator."

The woman gave up speaking and nodded.

Susan paused a moment before giving the order.


	8. unfinished business

"What are you doing?" Mark marched in, demanding an answer.

"Intubating her." Susan said, her full attention on the patient.

"She's a DNR." He got no response. "Susan!"

She looked up. "She revoked it."

"Was she altered?" he turned to a nurse for a more objective reply.

"No." Susan said, just as the nurse answered the opposite.

"Susan, that's enough."

"She was lucid. This is what she wants." And back to the patient. "I'm in." the nurse reluctantly stepped forward and hooked up the vent.

Mark sighed and followed Susan out of the room. "You're off this case Susan."

"What?" she turned to him, sliding the chart into the wrack.

"You got too involved. She never wanted to go on a vent in the first place. She didn't change her mind. She was altered and you were too involved."

"I am not too involved. I'm respecting the patient's wishes and if you spent a little more time with the patient than the paperwork you might have a clue as to what that means."

"It's my neck Susan, I'm taking the case."

"Fine." She pushed past him and headed for the lounge.

He hated being angry like that – so out of control. But she pushed his buttons something chronic. He took the chart and filled in what he needed to, checked in on the patient and went to find Susan.

She was standing by the window, looking up at the night sky and stirring a tea bag in a mug, when Mark walked into the lounge. "Any word on Harvey?" she asked, not looking at who had entered the lounge.

Mark wasn't expecting that. He cleared his throat, "Jerry's still looking."

"Oh, it's you." She turned away from the window and went to the sink to dispose of the tea bag.

"I don't want to pull rank Susan. But you gave me no choice."

She opened the fridge for milk. "You could try trusting me."

"In any other circumstances I'd trust you over anyone but I watched you get too close to her and then go expressly against her wishes."

"Her wishes changed." Susan slammed the fridge door shut. "You don't know…"

he looked at her expecting the end of her sentence but she sipped her tea, to afraid to say it. "When it hits you that you might actually die – when it's suddenly real. I know she'll probably never come off the vent. But I also know what it's like to have to… to see someone." She made fleeting eye contact, "to need to fix something. She asked…" Susan sighed and poured her tea down the sink, leaving the mug in there as well. "Forget it." she left the lounge.


	9. something wrong

Mark watched from the next room when Susan took Harvey to the patient's bedside. He was a rugged-looking guy. Tough as nails, you'd assume, but he took her hand with tears in his eyes and Susan fled the room.

She checked the lounge was empty – she couldn't bare another confrontation. Not tonight. A combination of exhaustion and the heartbreaking scene she'd just witnessed had tears in her eyes. The headache didn't help. She swallowed 2 glasses of water, finding some vicoden on her way, then lay down on a couch. She checked her watch, "2 hours to go." She let her eyes fall shut.

* * *

Susan woke up exhausted. She'd had three days off and at the end of them, with a standard twelve-hour shift looming ahead, she was still exhausted. Sitting up she whacked her head neatly on the headboard and mumbling profanities fell back into the pillows.

Half an hour later she got up with the gut feeling she was going to be late, or she'd read the timetable wrong, or she'd turned her pager off and shouldn't have… something was wrong.

She stumbled into a remarkably tame ER an hour later.

"Nice weekend?" Kerry held the lounge door open as she was leaving.

"Ah… Yeah, thanks." Susan went inside. Even Kerry was being nice. Something was definitely up. But within half an hour the rumours of Kerry and Sandy Lopez had reached her and explained away that theory.

Mark was still a million miles away. He was there – in curtain three as a matter of fact, stitching up the unfortunate victim of a pane glass door. But he treated her like a stranger. In a way she was glad for it. He'd been a right bastard and until he figured that out she'd rather not talk to him. But a voice kept nagging in her head – that she hadn't come back for this.

* * *

Mark was having a crap time all of his own. Rachel was supposed to come for the weekend but Jenn had grounded her and a couple of arguments-via-phone later he'd given in. it wasn't so bad because Rachel would stay longer next time but as usual he'd given in and rather than feeling like he'd done Jenn a favour, he felt guilty.

Then Susan came in to work and he got another helping of that guilt. So, irrational as it was he was mad at her for making him feel worse.

He only had a few hours to go when she came in – covering half of someone else's shift – but even only a few hours into it she looked exhausted. He watched her from the other end of admits. She'd been bent over a chart and stretched when she stood upright, arching her back then stretching her neck.

"You okay?" Carter asked, stopping what he was doing on the computer beside her.

"Oh, yeah. Just a headache. Must have slept funny."

Mark looked back down at the chart he was holding without the first clue what the chart was about. A headache? People got headaches all the time but he couldn't kick the gut-wrenching fear the took him.


	10. something right

A week of silence was all he could take. Susan had been professional of course but far from friendly. And she looked tired every day. midway through a quiet shift Mark found her sitting at the counter in Doc McGoos, stirring a mug of something hot absentmindedly. Mark ordered a coffee and sat beside her.

"Hi." He tried so sound nonchalant, lifting his mug to his lips.

"Hi." She looked at him for a moment then returned to her drink.

"How have you been?"

Susan nodded. She hated how cold they'd been lately. She'd been looking for a chance to fix things but when circumstances didn't get in her way her pride kept showing up and telling her he should make the first move – he should apologise and maybe even grovel before she let him off the hook. Right now all that seemed pretty stupid. "I'm tired." She smiled, leaning her head on her hand and looking at him. "Are you okay?"

He wasn't expecting any kind of warmth from her and had to smile. Taking a deep breath, he nodded, "I hate fighting with you."

She could feel tears at the back of her throat. it was only because she was tired but she was determined not to cry. "I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of it – it's just hard not to take some stuff home."

"No, it's my fault. I should have trusted you. You're a good doctor and – well, a helluva lot more than a colleague – I should never have questioned your judgment." He fidgeted with a toothpick and some pepper someone had spilt on the counter. "I would have said something sooner but I've had a rough couple of weeks."

"Takes two to tango Mark. I could have said something. It's not like I didn't want to. I hate having this between us." She pointed to him then herself indicating the space between them. "In fact the only reason it bothered me so much is that your opinion matters to me – more than most – and your not trusting me was just…"

"I do trust you." He interrupted her. "If it was my life on the line, heck, if it was Rachel's life on the line…"

Susan smiled. "I think we can call off the war."

"It wasn't the war – it was the silence that was killing me."

"Anyway, it wasn't just you I was mad at. I was a total hypocrite yelling at you about knowing what's really important and then not talking to you for two weeks. Yeah, I clearly have my priorities straight."

"Oh, you'd cope without me."

She shook her head shyly, "Don't be so damn self depreciating."

Mark grinned. "You're impossible to please."

She smiled. She wanted to hug him. "We should probably head back." She stood up and swallowed the last of her drink.

Mark followed her outside. The pavement was wet, rain pounding away like it would never end. They stopped under the awning and zipped up their jackets.

"Ready?" Mark pulled his hood up.

"As much as ever." Susan took a deep breath. "Come on." She splashed through the puddles and Mark followed, only stopping when they were inside the ER and dripping all over the floor laughing.

"You're making a mess." Kerry looked up from Admits pretending to care.

Mark held open the staff lounge door and followed Susan inside.

"You sure you're okay?" he watched her rub her forehead and then her eyes.

"Oh, you know, a weekend off would go a long way but can't complain."

"Do you want some vicoden?"

"I've already taken some." She recognized the look in his eyes.

"You still have a headache?"

"Don't look so concerned. It's just a headache."

He didn't want to be pushy. "Don't push yourself too hard. If you want some time off just say so."

She smiled, heading back out to the ER, "You could come in handy when you're feeling guilty."

He stopped her from leaving. "That's not what this is."

"I know." She stopped kidding around.

He held her eye contact so tightly she didn't know where to look. So she reached up and hugged him. His arms wrapped right around her, almost lifting her off the ground. She didn't want to let go. It had been way too long since she'd been there. A beeper should be going off or a major trauma rolling through the doors but nothing happened.

Eventually she let go and he reluctantly dropped his arms to his sides. "Will you get a check up?"

"It's just a headache."

"But it's not the first one."

"I haven't been sleeping very well and…" she didn't know how to combat the look in his eyes.

"It can't hurt to make sure."

She took a deep breath and barely nodded. "Okay."

Mark pulled his eyes away, suddenly aware of how much she'd drawn him in. "Come on." He opened the door toward admits and followed her out as the suddenly became the main attraction in the quiet ER.

Thanks for the review everyone!

* * *

And to answer someone's query… Contagion is a made up word. I couldn't think of a title and since Susan got what Mark had it's just like a brain tumor was contagious. Only not really since the one's in a totally different story. Perhaps my train of thought should have remained unexplained and my title charmingly mysterious. But there you go.


	11. promises

She took two coffees from the roach coach and headed inside eagerly. Winter had most definitely arrived. She almost lost her footing in the entrance way where the defrosting process had begun by melting the ice of everyone's jackets.

"Woah." She held the coffees high and stepped carefully up to admittance.

"You're early." Jing Mei approached from the opposite side.

"I'm not here." Susan knew too well that she'd get sucked into working if she made here presence known and stuck around for more than about a minute. "Have you seen Mark?"

"Curtain One." Jing Mei walked away.

Susan waited for Mark to emerge from the closed curtain. He grinned inadvertently when he saw her. She couldn't help but notice.

"Coffee?" she lifted one cup out to him.

"Thanks." He took it looking perplexed.

"Can you take a break?"

He nodded and put a chart away.

"Walk me upstairs?"

"Sure. What's upstairs?"

Susan took a deep breath. "Doctor's appointment."

"Oh." Mark stopped, watching her.

She walked ahead a few steps then stopped and turned to him, "Come on."

He nodded, more befuddled than he usually was in her presence, and guided her toward the elevator, his hand lingering protectively at the small of her back but never touching her.  
As soon as the doors shut they sought each other's eyes. Both trying to reassure the other that everything would be okay, all the while far too aware that neither were in the position to make such a guarantee.

"So, I guess they'll give you a whole screed of tests and you won't hear back for weeks?" Mark broke the silence.

"I already got the tests. I didn't want to tell you cause… you already worry too much."

"So you get the results today?"

She nodded, "Or more tests."

He didn't know how she could smile.

The elevator doors opened at oncology and they walked toward the waiting area in silence. Susan gave her name to the administrator and they sat down.

"Susan." Mark turned to her with sudden resolve, putting his coffee on a table, his hands fiddling nervously.

"What?"

He didn't answer at first, breathing as though he'd run up the steps instead of taking the elevator. She put one hand over the both of his and he stopped fiddling.

"You have got to calm down. This could be nothing."

"I know… I just… I wanted to say," deep breath, "that you don't have to be on your own in any of this."

"Oh Mark." She took her hands back and rubbed her knees. "You don't want to go through that – I mean, neither do I but I might not have the choice. You do… no one should have to…"

"No, listen to me."

She went to speak again but stopped. She knew she could do this on her own. She had before and she'd survived. In fact she was stronger for it. but at the same time, the mere thought of going through that alone, again, was more terrifying than any other aspect of it.

"Listen. You may not be aware of this but…" deep breath, moment of truth, "I have loved you," he shook his head, "for years. I meant what I said at the train station all those years ago and I've… I've meant it ever since. I can't loose you again. I don't want anything from you – but please, just let me do everything I can – please, just let me look after you… if you… if you…" he dreaded to say it, "need me."

Susan completely failed to hide her shock, her mouth, hanging slightly open, dry, her eyes searching his face as he embarrassingly averted his eyes.

"I do need you." She finally managed to whisper, coming tears aching in the back of her throat. "But not because I might be sick."

He didn't know what to make of it.

"I've always needed you. You've meant more to me than anything… anyone. That day I left… you can't imagine how that's haunted me – how you've haunted me with what could have been and… don't look so sad." she took his hand again, forgetting that she too had tears in her eyes.

"I'm not sad." He finally smiled – just slightly. "I just…"

"Miss Lewis?" a doctor approached them.

Susan pulled herself away, suddenly aware of her tears, and stood up, muttering something vaguely resembling the affirmative.


	12. liberation

He was gone when she came out of the doctor's office. Probably a good thing, she decided, on consideration. He would have been pulled away to some trauma and distracted from all his concern for her. It was good while it lasted. So she went home. Mark had at least another couple of hours to his shift. She left a message on his answer machine and went to bed. It was mid afternoon but she had little choice in the matter. The day had been somewhat exhausting.

* * *

As soon as things got slow Mark was out of there. Kerry hadn't planned on covering for him but he was more insistent than usual – in fact he sounded quite desperate. As soon as he got in the door he went for the phone – to call her. But she'd called him. He hit the red button and collapsed on the sofa.

"Hey Mark. It's Susan here. I just got home. Um… You could come over after your shift – if you're not too tired. I am pretty shattered but I want to see you. So, um, just come around okay? I'll see you later."

He was really and truly scared. And tired. But he got up and changed and grabbed a bottle of red from the cabinet, slipped on his shoes as he put his jacket back on, his keys in his pocket and left his apartment.

* * *

Susan woke up at dusk. She put on a jacket and went to the roof of her apartment building with only socks on her feet, to watch the sunset. It seemed to put everything in perspective. Someone somewhere could always see the sunset and somewhere else it was rising. It seemed to go on forever. And she was kidding herself to ever believe that she could. It was almost liberating to admit it.

Back in her apartment, she cooked up some pasta and sat at the window watching the world go by underneath her building while she ate her dinner. She saw Mark get out of a taxi and straighten his shirt. He was carrying something in one hand and rubbed his head with the other before he disappeared into her building. She got up and buzzed him in then rinsed her plate while he ascended the stairs. She hadn't been so nervous since… this morning.

Mark knocked quietly.

"Hi." She pulled the door right open and he walked in looking even more nervous than she felt.

"I bought you this – I figured either way…" he shrugged, holding up the wine bottle.

"I'll get us some glasses." She smiled and went to the kitchen.

Mark sat down and put the wine on the table. Susan followed him almost exactly, putting two glasses on the table and sitting beside him, the wine quickly forgotten.

"Did you get some sleep this afternoon?" Mark couldn't bare the silence for another moment. But he wasn't quite brave enough to just ask the question he really wanted the answer to.

Susan nodded. "yeah, I was just exhausted. How was your shift?"

"Nothing out of the usual. I'm sorry I couldn't wait for you – I got paged almost as soon as you went in."

"It's okay, I thought as much. And I didn't want to distract you from anything important."

"Important compared to what?" his eyes challenged her.

"A few hours doesn't make any difference." The intensity of his eyes was more than she could take. "I have to get more tests." She hated not being able to put him out of his misery with a straight answer.

"Oh."

"So, it's back – in some capacity but they can't say anything for sure."

He didn't know what to do, until she leaned toward him and then he could only hold her, pulling her tightly to his chest.

It was a long time until he spoke. "Is there anything I can do?"

She nestled closer into him, her head resting on his shoulder. "You already are." She whispered. "Thank you for coming over." She pulled back to see his face. "You must be exhausted."

Mark smiled slightly. "I'm fine." Then he yawned.

Susan laughed. "You don't have to stay."

He shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Kick your shoes off and lie down. I'll grab you a blanket."

She was up and away before he could argue. And he was too tired to be stubborn. In fact his eyes were shut when she got back.

She shook the blanket out over him and sat down at his hips on the edge of the couch.

He opened his and took her hand, touching his lips to her fingertips.

Susan smiled.

He rolled over and edged toward the back of the couch and she lay down beside him, resting her head on his chest. He kissed her head and wrapped his long arms around her, lifting the blanket over both of them.

She put one hand on his arm to stop him fixing the blanket, and whispered, "I love you."

Mark exhaled. He never thought he'd hear that from her again. She was hiding in his sweater. He touched her jaw so she looked up at him. She looked so vulnerable, and he was lost for words. Then she kissed him.


	13. the eleventh hour

When Mark woke she was gone. It felt like a dream. In fact, cancer aside, he was pretty sure he'd had that dream. He kept his eyes closed, hoping the dream would return, but he knew that never happened.

Then he heard the shower. Oh no. Surely he hadn't. No he couldn't have. It had been a long time since he'd brought someone home and regretted it in the morning. And now that Susan was back? Or maybe that was part of the dream. But why had he started dreaming about her again. He'd kicked that habit years ago. If it had been a long time since he'd brought someone home, then it had been a helluva lot longer since he'd imagined that person was her.

The shower was turned off and the hair dryer turned on.

Hold the phone. He did not have a hairdryer. Oh no. This was getting worse. He must be at her house. Whoever she was. What an idiot? He had no idea where he was or who he was with. Or what time his shift started.

He opened his eyes and sat up in an instant. This was… Susan's apartment. He almost laughed at himself. Then a flood of relief washed over him. It hadn't been a dream. Then horror. This could be very short lived.

Strangely relieved to find himself fully clothed he pushed the blanket off and dropped his legs off the side of the sofa, stretching long arms above his head and yawning blissfully. He sank back into the couch lazily.

"Good morning." Susan walked into the room in jeans and a Yosemite Sam t shirt.

"Hey." He turned, then stood up a little bashfully.

She smiled at him and stepped closer. "You sleep okay?"

"Great." He nodded, "Except when Iwas waking up just now and thought I'd dreamt you up."

Susan laughed lightlyand kissed him. "Feel real?"

He nodded and ran his hands from her shoulders down her arms and held her hands. "Don't imagine it tasted good though. Sorry, didn't bring a toothbrush. Didn't think I'd need one."

"Wasn't so bad but go ahead and use mine if you like." She smiled cheekily.

He headed for the bathroom and she, for the kitchen, calling back, "Coffee?"

"Absolutely. What time's your appointment?"

"Eleven. Are you working?" she called back through the apartment.

"No." He yelled through a mouthful of toothpaste, half of which ended up in the sink, thankfully.

"So how are you feeling?" Mark took the offered steaming mug and leant on the kitchen bench opposite her.

"Good. Considering." She took a sip and winced.

"Hot?"

"Yeah."

"The steam gives it away." He teased.

"Shut up." She put her mug down with a grin on her lips and a glint in her eye. Lifting herself up she sat on the bench top, leaning back on her hands and looking at him, head cocked to one side.

"What?" he sipped his coffee, uncomfortable under her stare, and burnt his own mouth.

She had to laugh. "I was just thinking, it'd probably be a good idea to take this slowly."

"Probably." He put his mug down, not sure what to expect.

"But highly unlikely."

He broke a smile to mirror hers. "I guess it depends when this started. Five years is taking it slow."

Her smile faded and she took a deep breath.

Mark crossed the room and stood in between her knees.

"We've wasted so much time." She said sadly.

"Or maybe," he took her hands, "Maybe we've got forever and these past five years … well, maybe without that we couldn't appreciate this."

Susan swallowed and slowly nodded.

He pulled her into his arms and she willingly nestled her head into his chest.

He didn't know what to say. He couldn't promise her anything.

"Thank you." She kissed the bottom of his neck, just above his sweater.

She sat up and didn't look at him until he touched her chin with his fingertips, so softly.

He looked really scared and it surprised her. "Do you want anything?"

She shook her head. "We should probably get going."

Mark nodded and stepped back from her.

She slid off the bench and stopped. "You can't imagine the difference it makes, having you here." She forced him to look at her. "I know you probably feel like you can't do anything to help but," she shook her head, "Your being here is more than you can imagine."

He ran the palm of his hand down the side of her face, his fingers running through her hair. And he told her he loved her. Again. It was the only promise he could make.

She stood on her toes and kissed him with a slightly different kind of promise. They could disappear into it for a few minutes.

Mark pulled back knowing that doing so was only getting more difficult. "Don't we ah, have to go?"

They were both grinning and glowing again, despite the depth of their conversation just moments ago.

"Ah, yeah." She cleared her throat. "I'll just get my coat." She turned to the door but he couldn't resist pulling her back for a little more.

Eventually, he let her go.

"Now can I get my coat?"

Mark grinned and followed her through the lounge, tidying the sofa, putting away the untouched wine bottle and glasses, anything to distract him. Anything. He folded the blanket and dropped it over the back of the sofa as Susan appeared.

She was serious again. No surprise really. She took his hand in the hallway and didn't let go of it the whole taxi ride.


	14. touch

"You know this is what they do in pretty woman." Susan ran her fingers in circles across the back of his hand where it rested on her stomach.

"Fall asleep in public?" He lifted his head to look at her.

"Cop a squat under a tree."

"Oh. Well I might fall asleep anyway." He rested his head back on her shoulder.

"Go for it." she massaged his scalp with her fingertips while he moaned blissfully.

"We've got an hour right?"

"Forty minutes. Go to sleep." She kissed his forehead and lay back against the tree while he snuggled into her. She wished she could sleep too. But not a chance. Half an hour ago she'd left the hospital and in forty minutes her specialist would be sitting across a desk from her, changing her life.

Mark wasn't sleeping either. Dozing at best, he couldn't relax. The wind seemed to find every gap in his clothing and made him shiver so he pulled her closer.

* * *

The day seemed to be getting colder. They didn't speak at all between the time they left the doctor's office and when they got back to Susan's apartment. She unlocked the door and dropped the keys and her bag on the floor, her jacket across the back of the sofa. Mark hung his jacket up on the back of the door, levered off each shoe with the opposite foot and followed her into the kitchen. She was watching the kettle boil.

He found two mugs and tea bags.

"Echinacea or English Breakfast?"

Susan took a deep breath and turned to face him. "Echinacea. Thanks." She left the kitchen.

Mark poured the tea and warmed his hands in their steam while they drew. He heard her turn the shower on as he stirred a teaspoon of honey into each mug.Licking the spoon,he carried them into the lounge.

Susan put ona thin woolen sweater, pajama pantsand big socks. Toweling her hair she went and sat beside Mark cross-legged on the sofa.

"Feel better?" he sounded like he wasn't sure if he should speak.

She nodded and smiled a little. She picked up her tea and thanked him for making it. After a couple of sips she broke the silence.

"It's a good prognosis, I mean, as far as cancer prognosis's go. But I feel awful."

"You're probably tired."

Susan nodded and put her mug down. Mark had finished his and instinctively reached his long arms around her as soon as the hot tea was out of the way. She went to him, determined not to cry. He was right, she was exhausted. She had come to the end of herself. If he hadn't been there… she hated to think.

"Maybe you should go to bed. I mean, as much as I love your couch…"

Susan looked at him and yawned and smiled.

"Please, don't go."

"I won't. I'll sleep here – it's really only made for one person though."

"Oh, so you're kicking me off."

Mark just smiled, glad they'd shaken the solemnity for the moment.

Susan stood up. "Don't be ridiculous. It's a big bed."

He looked really unsure of himself.

"I don't want to be alone right now. Don't misunderstand me. I'm only asking for your company."

Mark stood up beside her and took her hands, kissing one then the other. "It's not you're intentions I'm concerned about."

Susan grinned then let her eyes drop to the ground. She really couldn't bare to be alone.

He ran his hands down her arms then enveloped her in an embrace.

"Maybe I'll just sleep here." Sherelaxed her headagainsthis chestand pretended to snore.

He picked her up in a moment as if she weighed no more than a child. "If you snore I'll be going back the couch." he kissed her quickly.

Susan laughed and told him to put her down. He, of course, ignored her, until he could put her down in her bed.


	15. doctor's orders

She'd asked him to stay. He'd dreamed of it even when he'd been most adamantly trying to forget her. A million what ifs ran through his head but he couldn't begrudge their past anymore. Not while he was watching her sleep. Not while he could forget the reason she'd come home. Well, she said he was her reason for coming home but if she'd never got sick… would she have ever come back?

It didn't matter. He quelled the desire to touch her, knowing she needed to sleep. Only, she reached her hand across the sheets, searching for him, until she found his arm, her fingers quickly crossing his chest and stopping almost underneath his other arm. "Are you awake?" she mumbled sleepily.

He whispered the affirmative and brushed her hair from her face. She pulled herself closer to him, rested her head on his chest.

"Thank you for staying."

"You don't need to thank me."

"I've never been very good at obeying you."

Mark had to laugh, a short quiet laugh that left a smile lingering on his lips.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asked

"Yeah, you?"

She nodded then lifted her head to look at him, pausing for a moment to let the truth sink in again. "You look good in the morning." She smiled.

"I was about to say the same thing. I could wake up to this forever."

She traced the lines of his face with one hand, her weight on the opposite elbow. "What can I say? I'm all yours."

Mark laughed and shook his head before pulling her into a kiss.

"Just one thing," she pulled away reluctantly then leant in a kissed him again, forgetting what she was going to say.

"What were you going to say?"

"Breakfast." She mumbled between kisses.

Mark pulled back. "Breakfast sounds good. But straight back to bed, doctor's orders."


End file.
